Bravebird, redux.

Words...they have the power to transport you back to the impossible days. Amel Larrieux said that in her album title track, "Bravebird." I never really bothered to truly listen to the words to this song, but it's actually pretty nice.

I think a lot of my failures in the past have been because of a lack of confidence, faith, belief, and resolve to do bigger and better things. Honestly, a lot of the time, it was really wasn't about doing BIG things, per se. Sometimes it was just the conception of ideas...and then dropping them that I dealt with and had to stop. It sucks to be ambitious with no follow-through. It's a lot of wasted brain CPU cycles. I had a lot of that going on. Get involved and then disappear. Disappear. Reappear. Mood swings with the change of the day to night. This sort of stuff was common.

More to come...

Whistle.

Overcome fake good? ...Be not overcome by insincere good.

Being nocturnal is a disappointment. It is lonely and you can't eat well. You can't shop, unless it's online. Plus, it's disturbingly quiet. Fortunately, it affords you the ability to think. To continual your mental programming.

Rain. ...When will the music stop?

Figure it out.

So, the latest challenge is waiting for my damned iBook AC adapter to get here. After that, it's finishing work on the Howard University Entrepreneurial Society website. I've been doing a lot of independent study lately on building web apps and this one is shaping up to be more work than I thought. But, I'm going to continue on my old route because I'm good like that.

I decided not to commit to a list of features right away--or at least, not the specific details of each feature. I know I wanted to have a message board, but I'm not exactly sure of what it would look like or how it would behave. I didn't want to design it right off from the get-go. This was done so that it wouldn't end up being some rigid "I have to go by what I wrote on this paper" kind of contraption. Also, if I don't put anything down on paper, that keeps people from expecting things and then being disappointed when they don't show up exactly like what may have been written somewhere.

I was recently asked if I knew how to build Facebook. lol. I laughed quite hard at the question because I knew exactly how it was put together the first time I actually spent some serious time using it, i.e. somewhere during midterms first semester of last year. It's a nice combination of PHP and a database. As far as I can see, implementation-wise, that's it. Creatively, it's great. Timewise...I wish I could get away from it. Oy vey.

Better yet, I finally got my new ID card on Friday and then my dad gave me my papers about my new doctor today. So, hopefully tomorrow I can make an appointment to see the doctor no later than Tuesday about my skin condition. Eczema is positively kicking my ass. I'm trying to stay calm about it, but it's hard considering I've had my medicine all this time. lol. I swear, tomorrow, he is going to write me a prescription for a 10 lb. load of medicine. Walking around itching and scratching your face and arms like a crackhead is something that I cannot continue to do. ..even though it's probably quite hilarious to watch. lol.

Oh yeah, to everybody out there whose phone call I haven't made or returned, I apologize. Issues. Px.

The runaround and the policy analyst.

Yeah, my mom is still delaying her response to my question..."So, can I go to homecoming up in DC?" Her favorite response so far--"I don't know yet." Oy vey! What isn't there to know! I'm mad. Anyway.

So, again tonight I went iTunes crazy and downloaded like 20 new tracks. Basically, I don't want to deal with that Ares riffraff or my other method of giving tunes. In light of that fact, laziness really is costly. lol. Indeed.

Today I got dressed and went out for the first time in a few days. My skin has broken out rather badly, so I've been hiding in the house. lol. But, suddenly, I had a deep desire to get back into speech and debate, so I figured when I go back to school I'll go back to the Martin Luther King, Jr. Forensics Society. The couple of days I was on the team during my freshman year, I had lots of fun, but looking back, I wasn't cut out to do very well on it. I had severe confidence issues. In my case, it sucked to be terribly intelligent...but be terribly afraid to convey that.

Anyway, the point was that at the book store, I picked up some books about economics and an 85 cent copy of Donald Trump's 1987 book, The Art of the Deal. It's a good read so far. I'm already halfway through it. Looks like I'll finish it in the morning.

I mean, it would have been a serious handicap on the team. I was a policy expert at the age of 18, but dammit, I was a fucking wimp. Not anymore. I cannot wait to get back to school to make some changes...!

::Whistles::

Infamous!

Indeed. Okay, I haven't left the house in 2 days. I am on a self-imposed house arrest sort of spiel until I can get some things sorted out. Most of it will fall into place...but other stuff...shall be sheisty. Let's just say that I'll need to be a master debater and master negotiator all in one.

Stay tuned to see how it all works out...and, oh yeah, find out what the hell I'm talking about. Px.

Bravebird.

So, I've been away a very long time, no? Of course. Mostly, I've been into building myself up to become a walking atom bomb. Mental reprogramming has been a daily activity. I read somewhere between three and four books every few days...and that's unprecedented considering before I thought I had ADD of the worst kind. lol. Being able to concentrate like that is a direct result of the power of self-bossyness. Yes. The art of telling yourself what to do. People (psychologists, self-helpers, etc.) have been pushing that brand of self-help for years...and lo and behold, I've gotten into it.

Today, on my 1.25 hour drive to work, I practiced some severely deep mental programming. At certain points along I-40 going into Raleigh, it got so deep that I totally lost track of what I was doing, but not to the point of being unaware of what I was doing. Folks, I was driving. lol. Can't get that deep into the programming. But, alas, after getting my new work assignments, I went back to my desk for some programming. Mental programming.

The drive to do incredibly big things is insatiable nowadays and the only thing holding me back is me. So when your situation is that, you need to teach yourself to sit down and shut the fcuk up. Really. For a while, it seemed like everything I did was smattered in negativity. Not doing crap because "Oh, no! That's not going to work! You don't know how to do that!" They say very smart people have the most persuasive of demons. Well, in my case, for a while that was true. I'd be standing there having a conversation with somebody, but at the same time I was arguing with myself about what to say next. One voice would be saying "Say you will let her copy your homework! You'll make a friend...you know you fucking need one!" and the other one would being saying "Ohhhhh nnoooo...she can't copy your homework! That's uncivilized! You don't want to be uncivilized, do you?! What's happening here! No..! Take that paper back from her! Dammit!"

Yeah, so it was all an argument. This happened in damn near everything I did. Wrestling with yourself, especially for as long as I have, is one of the most debilitating and unproductive things you can possibly do. The only truly compelling thing I can think of where this would be valuable is when you need to make a decision (one that is beyond superficial) and you need to weigh your options. Otherwise, don't stand there and spazz out beyond a clean facade. Really, folks.

Plus, I've taken up to running. Yeah, I'm healthy all around now, folks. I mean, hahaha, I'm still a lazy sow, so I don't run very far, but I run, nonetheless. Life as a programmer, I realized, keeps your ass in a chair. A lot...almost too much actually. So, if you don't get up and walk around and exercise, you'll become a slobby mess. Your chair's padding won't be worth a damn after awhile because all you do is sit in it, and your knees will just suck. When you finally get up, you'll walk funny. lol. I already walk funny, but during the times where I was plastered to my screen at work, when I got up, I'd walk funny. My legs went numb one day. Yeah. And what's worse? The fcuking automatic lights in the building kicked in and turned everything off. Damn.

Work-life balance? What the fcuk was that?!

Schwing!

The ideal setup would be for me to do everything on this list of goals before I turn 25. Now, the contents of this list are a closely guarded secret that I'll only let out of the bag after I get back on campus. One of them has to do with my desired income at the age of 25. Another? My desire to do non-profit work that affects technology public policy in the United States. Either way, the list is comprehensive and it makes me exceptionally dangerous.

Yep.

Things are going fabulously at work. I see my return to school as being triumphant. More later.

I hope to God that this isn't real.

Weather? What weather?