Hold on...let me get this straight.

First of all, I am disappointed over so much even though I attempt to very strong most of the time. After listening to hours of mind-blowing fake ass rap and electronica, I've had a mental breakdown again. Well, ok. Not completely.

Honestly, I find myself being woefully disappointed with the way things happen...a lot. God doesn't put you through something just for his own comedy hour, even though it may seem like that sometimes. I think in my case, I get disappointed over how I (and other people) do things because I know I/they could be doing so much better. Mentally, I'm there, but at this point, my physical does not allow me to do 99% of the things that I want to do.

But, then again...we argue for the idea that your mental controls your physical. Does it really? Is the human body that simple? Mind over matter? Does the mind matter? Alright, I can certainly answer my own question. We haven't driven that far into insanity just yet.

While I'm jumping from topic to topic, I don't like how it takes me forever to understand things. I'm not talking about schoolwork. That doesn't mean anything after a while. I'm talking about people relations. I end up understanding people and being terribly sorry about their situations. I end up understanding people and wishing I was just like them. I end up understanding people and then spending all this time feeling inadequate. I used to have really severe problems with this, but now, it's not nearly as bad.

This post is the result of five years of practically ignoring somebody that really did love me. Unfortunately, I was so horribly afraid of that, that I didn't know what to do. You couldn't Google that and find a solution. So, I ran. And I'm so sorry that I ran.

You see, the problem with my life is that I end up feeling guilty for 99.95% of the things I do. The successes I have. The failures. The joys. The laughter. The fights. The mistakes. The anger. The anticipation. The moves. The thoughts. The impact I make.

I suffer because I feel I can never do enough. I can never have my hand in too much. I can never be in over there. I can never understand what that's about. I believe, to an extent, being incredibly intelligent is a ticket down the path of self-destruction. For so very long, I have walked along that path with only myself. And with every step, I had the thought to look back and possibly turn around, but I didn't...somehow couldn't.

Interestingly, I did, however. You can't go through life with all your failures and mistakes and fears on your back. There's a phrase I picked up with all this programming reading I've been reading. "FUD." Nope, not Elmer Fudd. FUD. Fear, uncertainty, and doubt. You can't walk around with that shit eating away at you. You can't walk around with the hesitation and fear and non-sensical thought patterns that you have when FUD is all in your face. FUD is bad. FUD keeps you from doing so much.

Inevitably, if you want to get out of something, you do. You break yourself out of the FUD. You make strides. You say shit. You shed this image of failure. You shed this image of incapability.

Like The Roots once said, "You ain't sayin' nothin' new." I know this. But, actually...for me, it is something new. The devil watches over certain people like you wouldn't believe. That motherfucker is always in my face. Fortunately, I got me, myself, and God to get rid of him. So, then, I remain...safely.

Nothin' new, I ain't sayin' nothin' new. lol. FUD.


Getting ahead of myself...again.

So, yes. After a weekend of toiling and arguing with myself about my frayed mental state, I have found peace on a Monday morning after barely completing something for work.


Steam....machine.... -Daft Punk.

On some completely random basis, I decided to listen to the rest of the "Human After All" album that I bought. lol. Originally, I only listened to two songs on the album and then ignored the rest of them. What the heck...yeah. Bad idea. Can't stop playing the whole album now. Steeeeeeam machinnnnne.